Our bodies are wired to react when we feel threatened—whether the danger is real or perceived. In marriage or a committed partnership, this instinct kicks in when we sense something that threatens our sense of self, our “I.”
In my last blog, I explored criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship destruction, a concept from the Gottman Institute. Today, we’re diving into another significant barrier to connection: defensiveness.
Defensiveness: The Silent Relationship Blocker
Defensiveness can show up in many forms, including:
Attacking back – Responding to perceived criticism with counterattacks.
Denial & Justification – Refusing to acknowledge responsibility.
Lying or Gaslighting – Distorting reality to avoid blame.
Condescension – Dismissing or belittling your partner’s concerns.
Avoidance – Shutting down instead of engaging in the conversation.
At its core, defensiveness isn’t about resolving conflict but self-protection. Instead of creating understanding, it blocks deeper connection and leaves both partners feeling unheard.
When Defensiveness Takes Over, Listening Disappears
I often tell my clients: When you focus on defending yourself—explaining, justifying, or trying to make your partner see your side—you’re probably not listening.
And if you’re not listening, your partner is likely reacting too—whether by shutting down, attacking back, or defending themselves in return.
Not listening and reacting leads to a cycle of reaction, not resolution. Instead of approaching the moment with wisdom and emotional maturity, both partners get caught in old coping mechanisms that stem from past wounds.
Shifting from Defensiveness to Understanding
Defensiveness will show up—it’s human nature. However, strong relationships require self-awareness and a willingness to pause. Here’s how you can shift your response:
Pause and Regulate Your Emotions – When you feel defensive, take a deep breath. Acknowledge that your reaction is about a perceived threat, not necessarily an actual one.
Choose Curiosity Over Defensiveness – Instead of reacting, ask yourself: What is my partner trying to express?
Use ‘I’ Statements to Express Needs – Instead of pushing back, express yourself in a way that fosters connection. Example:
“I don’t feel heard right now. I need you to listen to my experience, even if you disagree.”
“Can you try to see this from my perspective?”
“I’d like to take a break and revisit this when we’re both in a calmer space.”
Take Responsibility Where You Can – Even if you don’t fully agree with your partner, acknowledge any part of their experience that may be valid.
Shift the Goal from ‘Winning’ to ‘Understanding’ – Relationships thrive on connection, not proving who is right.
How to Handle a Defensive Partner
If your partner is the one being defensive, try these approaches:
Stay calm and grounded. Don’t engage in the emotional tug-of-war.
Avoid calling them ‘defensive.’ This only makes people dig in further.
Express your needs clearly. Example:
“I need to feel heard for us to move forward.”
“Let’s take a break and return when we can have a constructive conversation.”
Maintain emotional regulation. When one person stays steady, it’s easier for the other to shift.
Choosing Connection Over Protection
We all have wounds and insecurities that can trigger defensiveness, but it’s possible to break the cycle and approach conversations with more understanding. It takes awareness, self-regulation, and a commitment to the relationship. If you’re ready to take the next step in improving communication and connection in your partnership, I’m here to help.
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