Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship—so much so that Dr. John Gottman identifies it as one of the Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt arises from a sense of superiority and makes the other person feel inferior. But beneath it all, contempt is often rooted in feeling unappreciated, unseen, or unheard in the relationship.
Contempt can be verbal and non-verbal—sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, and dismissive body language. These seemingly small behaviors add up over time, creating an emotional wall that disconnects partners. In reality, contempt is a defense mechanism—a form of self-protection. But it erodes trust, intimacy, and emotional safety instead of safeguarding the relationship.
Are You Stuck in the Dance of Disconnection?
In my work with couples, I help them identify the micro-aggressions that slowly chip away at their connection. Often, people don't realize how powerful their small, seemingly insignificant gestures can be—avoiding eye contact, responding with sarcasm, or dismissing a partner's words with a sigh. While these behaviors may feel like self-protection in the moment, they ultimately do more harm than good. The truth is, every time you armor up, you block the very connection you crave. And in doing so, you hurt yourself too.
How to Shift from Contempt to Connection
So, how do you begin repairing the damage and fostering a genuine connection?
1. Get Clear on What You Want
Ask yourself: Do I genuinely want to reconnect? If the answer is yes, then be willing to shift your approach—regardless of how your partner responds. Hold the intention for a healthier, more connected relationship, and commit to showing up differently, even when it's hard.
2. Identify Your Needs
Many couples get so caught in the negative cycle that they lose sight of their own needs. When I ask partners what they need, they often don't have an answer. If you aren't clear about your needs, how can your partner meet them? Take time to reflect: What do you deeply desire from this relationship? Emotional support? Affection? Appreciation? Once you know, you can begin to communicate it.
3. Soften Your Approach
Gottman's research highlights the power of a soft startup—approaching difficult conversations with gentleness rather than blame. This means expressing your deeper emotions (hurt, loneliness, longing) instead of defaulting to anger or criticism. I teach my clients to create a safe space for these conversations, taking ownership of their emotional safety while asking for what they need in a clear, kind, and firm way.
4. Stop Taking Everything Personally
Contempt often triggers a defensive response, but what if you didn't take your partner's reactions so personally? By managing your emotional reactivity, you can eliminate the negative cycle. Instead of reacting, get curious: What's underneath my partner's armor? What hurt or fear might be driving their response? This shift in perspective fosters compassion and helps build a relationship where both partners feel safe to be vulnerable.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
If you're stuck in negative cycles and want deeper support in breaking free from contempt, I'm here to help.
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