*“These changes are great, but I don’t trust they’ll last. I’ve asked for these changes before, and they only stick for a little while before everything goes back to the way it was.”
Does this sound familiar?
This cautious response often comes up when couples see positive changes but fear they won’t last. It's a natural reaction to protect ourselves from disappointment. But sitting in mistrust can sabotage the connection and efforts your partner is making.
Why We Get Stuck in the Cycle of Change
We’re all unique, with different expectations, priorities, and values. Even when you clearly express a need to your partner, there will be times when they fall short. When this happens, it’s easy to put up walls and tell yourself things like:
“I knew you wouldn’t change.”
“You never listen to me.”
“If you really loved me, you’d follow through.”
These thoughts are signs you’re caught in what I call the "stuck cycle" of change.
Here’s how the cycle typically unfolds:
Dissatisfaction arises about an issue in the relationship.
The issue is discussed, and a plan for change is created.
Change is implemented and things start to improve.
Over time, there’s a fall away from the change.
Frustration and despair set in, leading to thoughts of failure—by you, your partner, or the relationship itself.
The problem with this cycle? It leaves no room for the natural setbacks we all experience when trying to create lasting change.
A New Framework: The Regenerative Change Process
Instead of getting stuck in frustration, try reframing your approach to change using the Regenerative Change Process.
This healthier perspective acknowledges that falling away is part of growth. It allows you and your partner to adjust and regenerate without losing hope.
Here’s how it works:
Dissatisfaction emerges (just like before).
A plan is created and implemented.
Successes are celebrated to reinforce positive behavior.
When there’s a natural fall away, frustrations are acknowledged—but without despair.
The issue is revisited, and the plan is adjusted and re-implemented.
Celebrate again and repeat as needed.
The key is to keep cycling through these steps with patience and grace. Growth isn’t linear—it’s iterative.
Common Objection: “Why Do I Have to Keep Bringing It Up?”
You may wonder, “How many times do I have to remind my partner about this?”
The answer: As many times as it takes.
Remember, your partner is not you. They have different priorities and perspectives, and their forgetfulness doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. Instead of interpreting their lapses as a lack of love, approach them with understanding.
The healthier response is to:
Bring the issue to their attention again.
Acknowledge what’s working well.
Adjust the plan and move forward together.
Steps for Regenerative Change
When you find yourself slipping into the "stuck cycle," remember these steps:
Pause and reflect: Take a moment to recognize the positive changes your partner has made.
Example: “I really appreciated you letting me know you’d be home late. It made me feel cared for.”
Celebrate progress: Highlight the wins—no matter how small.
Revisit the plan: Discuss what worked and what needs adjusting.
Re-implement with renewed energy: Approach the process as a team.
Criticizing or attacking your partner when they fall short can backfire, feeding insecurities and making them less likely to keep trying. Instead, build confidence by rewarding positive behavior with encouragement and appreciation.
If you’re ready to break free from the "stuck cycle" and build a healthier, more sustainable relationship, let’s talk.
Schedule a Free Get-to-Know-Me Call today, and I’ll personally share how I can support you on your journey.
In the meantime, grab your free Relationship Transformation Guide and discover three simple shifts to create meaningful change in your relationship.
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