Marriage and Family Counseling New York Long Island Manhattan

Hello and welcome to the June edition of Relationship Solutions. I sit writing this today on a gorgeous June day while traveling by train through central New York. I forget how beautiful New York is until you step back and enjoy the view. Stepping back is the key, and finding the time and grabbing opportunities to do this can be rare for many of us.

Stepping back or taking a break is a tool we use in couple or family therapy. Having tools like these and others is very helpful to a healthy interaction in a relationship. Try using this tool in your relationships and see if it creates change. Try it again and again.

Having the tools can be helpful but using them works better! At the CCMFT we see couples at all stages of their relationship and needing these tools. Many are unmarried, engaged and concerned about their future together. Many of these couples often already have begun to interact in ways that are unproductive and wanting to ameliorate the problem before they marry. Others just want to take preventive measures and consciously take this step.

This month’s newsletter is the first part of a series titled Wedding Bells are Ringing. You will receive information that will get you thinking, talking and some tips to help you to do both. If you are already married, go ahead, share this with your spouse and discuss your ideas about marriage today.

Wedding Bells are Ringing

Part One: Marriage Myths

As wedding season comes into full swing, I am reminded of the many couples preparing for their marital journey whom I have met over the years both inside and outside of the therapy room.

It seems to me that many times, couples can become overwhelmed with the preparations of the reception and often their training for the union itself can be understandably overlooked. I say this with all due respect to the wedding reception-planning process, of course, as I am a firm believer that we must celebrate all steps in our life journey—especially the big ones like choosing your life partner. Additionally, these receptions often involve cake, which is perhaps one of my favorite treats.

I am not completely sure why the shift in focus happens, but I am thinking that many factors play a part; spanning from familial and cultural influences to television shows that feature lavish receptions. And although I cannot offer an across-the-board reason, what I can instead do is help to refocus you or a loved one who are about to take that first step in the journey as a committed couple.

First and foremost, I think it is important to address some myths of marriage. Let’s begin with some of the more popular, courtesy of Dr. Jeffry H. Larson, a fellow marriage and family therapist who also serves as the director of the marriage and family therapy program at Brigham Young University.

You should choose someone to marry whose personal characteristics are opposite from your own.
A popular saying goes, “Opposites attract.” While opposing traits might be appealing in the beginning of a relationship, marrying someone whose traits are significantly different from your own will probably lead to more conflict and dissatisfaction. As a related aside, there is another popular saying: “The traits that attracted you to your partner may in time become those you loathe.” In short, long-term relationships usually flourish when similarity rather than dissimilarity prevails.

Being in love with someone is sufficient reason to marry that person.
Falling in love is easy. I am sure everyone can recall the beginning of a serious relationship when butterflies were in your stomach upon meeting your partner for a date. Aaah—good times. Although romantic love is a prerequisite for marriage in most American couples, marital success is based on many other important factors including similarity of values and backgrounds, age at marriage, realistic expectations and personal and couple readiness for marriage. Interestingly, of the dozen or so premarital predictors related to martial satisfaction as determined by researchers, romantic love is only one.

There is only one right person in the world for you to marry.
Truth be told, there are several individuals with whom you could be happily married. If the above myth were true, how would we explain remarrying after the death of a spouse? This attitude about having one and only mate may also foster passivity when selecting a life partner—you might even pass up the opportunity to hone your social skills and get to know others more intimately. Why should you sell yourself short?

You should feel totally competent as a spouse before you decide to get married.
What—you mean you should know TOTALLY how to be married before you actually tie the knot? Of course not. There are many lessons learned in the course of a partnership that can only be taught by experience. And although some feelings of anxiety are natural, a person should feel competent enough to be a partner and ready to begin the journey together—not as if they’ve mastered the journey before they’ve taken the first step.

Preparing for marriage “just comes naturally.”
Many people believe that they will magically learn from parents or peers how to pick a suitable mate and how to prepare for marriage. Unfortunately, the information obtained from others may be incorrect, limited or biased depending on their experiences. Preparing for marriage is based on sound information and personal assessment. You can begin by taking any of the major premarital compatibility tests such as PREPARE or RELATE. And then you can attend a Premarital Group at CCMFT.

The above is an introductory list of marriage myths and is not designed to be exhaustive. I am certain that you can probably think of some that you might have heard over the years—how many can you come up with? Feel free to drop us a line and let us know!

As previously mentioned, CCMFT is launching a new premarital program. If you or someone you know is looking for a modern approach to marriage preparation based on years of experience in treating cohabitating, engaged, and married couples, give us a call for more information.

Stay tuned for part two of Wedding Bells are Ringing coming soon.

Comments or suggestions? Email andrea@couplesandfamilies.com.

Reserve your spot now!

10-Week Anger Group in the Manhattan Office

We are close to starting our next Anger Management program in the Manhattan office. We are hoping for a few more individuals to reserve a spot and hope to start soon. If you are interested in this group, please contact our Intake Coordinator at (212) 537-9313 ext. 1 to reserve a spot today.

Learn effective tools for dealing with anger in your relationships. Anger is an emotion that we all experience when we feel vulnerable or attacked. The group will teach you effective ways for managing and expressing anger. Anger is explored in the context of relationships and tools for improving relationships will be provided. The goals of the 10-week program are:
• To increase awareness of anger expression patterns
• To learn how our anger experience is shaped by our development and what we can learn from our family and environment
• To identify current and past situations that fuel anger
• To identify responsibilities in the current anger situation that resulted in either a self or outside referral
• To develop specific ways to de-escalate potentially violent situations
• To decrease verbal and physical manifestations of anger, aggression, or violence while increasing awareness and acceptance of emotions

*Participants will receive a certificate of completion.

A new group starting soon--register today!

Saturdays 11:00am-12:30pm; Manhattan Office

(Individual sessions available on Mondays-Saturdays Manhattan and Rockville Centre Offices)

Contact us to register and reserve your spot!

$60 per group session (each 10 week session)

$80 initial intake session (each participant is required to meet with the group facilitator prior to starting the group for 45 minutes)

How payment is collected:

The group fee is collected in 4 payments:

1st session $180 is collected;

4th session $120;

6th session $120;

8th session $180.

**Credit Card, Cash, and Check accepted at this time.

$125 for individual (one-on-one) sessions (45-minute sessions). Payment collected at each individual session.

Contact us today! (212) 537-9313 ext. 1
Reserve your spot today for next 2008 Anger Management Group or to talk with a therapist regarding our other services.
email: cari@couplesandfamilies.com